how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
