tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
