Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
