Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
No subtext here. People are naked.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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