the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I love having hate sex.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
