Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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