Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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