On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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