i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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