Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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