it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
