Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
