She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think I sprained my soul last night
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
