i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
