I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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