In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
