The maid of honor just puked.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The struggles of a small town man whore
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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