Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
