well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
