he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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