i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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