On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
