just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
