I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
