Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
