Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
