I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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