I can text with my tongue
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
