we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
i think im in europe. pls send help
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
And then he peed in my hair
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