Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
