You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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