i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
