Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
