Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The power of my boobs compel you
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
