Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
