I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
