You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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