Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
