I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
