My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
