I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
