i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
