Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
