Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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