First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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