life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
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What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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