just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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