I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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