george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
