3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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