Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
