just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
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I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.